False Belief: Adulthood
When I was a little, I always wanted to get older quickly. I saw bunch of adults and i always thought that they were really cool. They do things that we kids barely know what it was and we thought that was really awesome.
They have their own motorbike or car, they could hang out wherever they want, they have their own money, they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, they… i don’t know, they just do cool stuffs...
It’s seems like they’re free. They can do whatever they want. They can make their own decisions, even decide ours (the kids). And, people listen to them.
Allow me to flashback to some of my childhood memories.
The first one was from a family gathering that always happened in the evening till late night at my uncle’s house.
In that gathering, all the distant and close relatives came. The cousins and nephews i didn’t know the names, the aunts and the uncles, we were all there.
We the kids, though we weren’t close and barely knew each other’s name, played together because we had no choice. But later we enjoyed it anyway.
There was a night carnival nearby at that time. I remembered all the kids were going there, with the aunts and cousins and nephews, almost all of them. Little me wanted to join, of course, cause I’ve never been to a carnival before.
But, when things about to start be fun, the adults, my adults, asked for permission to leave first because I was sleepy (fyi, they made that up).
I was fully awake, I’ve told them, “No, I’m not tired”. I was excited with the idea of going to a carnival. But, the adults insisted that i was tired and was very sleepy. So, we went home, just like that. Then I didn’t go to a carnival until i was 19.
I still think about it sometimes. Did they really think I was sleepy? Or did they only use me as an excuse to leave? I mean, if the answer is the latter, then it was very adult of them to do that..
Also, when i was playing alone and suddenly a big ass rat appeared out of nowhere. But, when scared and traumatized 5 years old me told them about it, they made fun of me and laughed. Telling me that i must be mistaken. If it was big, then it was a cat, because rat supposed to be small.
Or, when i tried to make a pack of instant noodle but then i found something inside of the package. I was so hungry back then. There were only two packs of instant noodles left. So I took one of them and tried to make it.
But, when i grabbed and was about to open it, i saw the inside of the package was moving and i could hear something from the inside. When i opened it, there were a colony of ants and they were eating out the noodle! I was shocked so i threw it immediately and grabbed the last package.
When my sister found out there was no instant noodles left, she was very angry, she scolded me, because she already told me to not eat all of it. I wanted to tell her the truth, but who would’ve believed an elementary school kid? It was too ridiculous to believe… It’d only sounds like an excuse for her…
Well, haha… So, (i think i over-shared enough) those were unserious moments i had from my childhood that kind of affects my perspective of adult life. That being an adult means you can control everything. Everyone would listen to you and take your actions and words seriously. You can do anything you like.
And from that, I come to a conclusion, that i wanna grow up. I have to grow up, because i wanna make my own decisions. I want people to listen to me. I wanna go anywhere and whenever i want. I wanna rule myself. I want to be free.
And now that i become one, i could proudly say that i regret it so much. I shouldn’t have made that wish.
Why would i wanna become an adult? What’s this life? It’s very overwhelming. Where’s the cool things i saw when i was a little? How am i suppose to know the right or the wrong decisions? It’s not fun here. Where’s the freedom...
Nobody told me, that being an adult means i have to be responsible for every decision I make in my life. Nobody said that being an adult means you have to do everything by yourself. Nobody ever told me, that being an adult means you can have fun but can’t fully have fun, because your life’s on the edge. Nobody ever said, that if you have fun once means you have to suffer twice, because having fun as an adult cost you pennies. Nobody said that being an adult would guarantee that people would listen and took your actions seriously. Nobody ever told me, that being an adult is this lonely...
Everytime i see elementary school students walking home with their uniforms and small backpacks, i smile with jealousy. How nice it must be to come home after school. No thoughts, just playing time with friends. No responsibility, but homework and studying.
I wish there were some guidebooks on how to be an adult. There you could read the terms and conditions, so little me could prepare herself for the future. Or some kind of blurb, so she could see whether she’s ready to experience it or not.
It’s hard to figure it out yourself. This world is too strange and packed and noisy and cruel.
Little me wouldn’t be happy seeing herself growing up like this. I failed her. Sorry wouldn’t be enough.
It’s hard, but, i have to survive, because my life depends on me. Yes, it’s tough, but, this is the life I wished for. The life that little me had been dreaming of.
If i can’t make her proud, I should live well, at least...
