quarter century

October 29th 2024

As my birthday approaches, I find myself reflecting on the past year. So I thought, maybe writing myself a letter would be cool. I imagined this as a way to express my thoughts and feelings about my life so far, but surprisingly, it hasn’t been as easy as I expected.

I thought I’d have so much to say to my current self — writing down about how I feel growing a year older, uttering my wishes, my plans. I thought it’d be easy, but it took me weeks to find the right words. I don’t know what to write. Or more like, I’m unsure of what to expect from myself in the year ahead.

I looked at an old picture of me. Gosh, I was so little, wearing a cute dress with a bright-looking smile there. Seems so innocent, barely knowing what hard-work means, haven’t been faced with difficult choices yet and how draining adulthood is.

Making me realize that, hey, without me noticing, I am growing up..

Yes, the tiny extraordinary little girl everyone adored in that picture who had so much energy, passion, achievement, and so much potential has grown older. I don’t really remember what kind of person or life the little me wanted to become. But, I just know that it was definitely not this…

Now, she’s just grown into an ordinary person who has nothing and still tryna figure out how to live as an adult.

Honestly, I never have the pressure to achieve certain milestones by specific ages. I have no clear goals. I just go with the flow. But, it’s just that twenty five is an even number. It’s a quarter century. It’s like, a perfect number to start something or to settle..

So, when I find myself haven’t achieved any breakthroughs or any valuable things at this age, I feel disappointed. It’s not like my family expecting something from me— I should’ve been happy about that. But, still, I am afraid that they indeed see me as a failure.

I know it’s not the end, this doesn’t mean I failed, but, still I am ashamed of myself. I mean, not having any special skills, no accomplishments, no savings, and not even someone I can look up to every day to tell about my boring day at work.

Just being a single-mediocre person in this very country and in this very economy and political situation.. I am very much allowed to feel this way, no?

I am not in a rush but I feel so rushed. I feel like giving up, but isn’t that too soon? I feel like I wanna start over, but do I even have enough resources and support and time to do that..

What do I really want for myself?

Yet, in the midst of this uncertainty, I realize how far I’ve come. I’ve learned to appreciate who I am right now.

I love my life.

I still have so much potential to discover and to develop, but I am happy with how and who I am right now. I enjoy just living day-to-day. I feel enough, living without thinking about the future.

Sounds pessimistic — and lazy maybe for some, but let me live like this for a while.. Let me figure things out. Setting goals, setting boundaries..

I am truly sorry for my past self who had expected a lot, the little me who had dreamed so big, for not giving my best, for not giving more, so now they’ve got to live like this.

As for my current self, I love you. Despite the challenges, you’ve remained true to yourself, and I’m proud of how far you’ve come. Do not settle for less, know your worth and remember that you’re precious.

I wish for you, dear future self, to embrace your potential and continue to find joy in each moment.

Let’s spend these remaining days of this year with full of happiness, surrounded by love. Here’s to discovering more about yourself and living fully, free from regret.

Happy birthday!

Love,
Me